今天下午一直沉浸在不尽的喜悦里，心脏好像一直吊在胸腔的上端，因为，听到了嫱的好消息：“预产期：9月23日！天秤座龙宝宝，嘿嘿！”很久没有这么全然无痛地开心过了，想起他们简单宁静甜美的生活，就不由得微笑起来，甚至笑出声来，这就是我能想见且真心向往却注定不属于我的完美生活了。我一度以为我已经在岁月里调整了对幸福的定义和预期，可是在此刻，在分享着他们的好消息的时候，我才再次强烈地感觉到，原来我从未真正改变，原来对于我来说，确定、可预期、一眼可以安心望到白头的幸福才是最幸福，才是真幸福。可是，贪心的我，缺少对于生活最基本的一份智慧，可真有一日，可以拥有这样的幸福吗？

再次深深地祝福，母婴平安健康，一家三口和乐甜美。谢谢你们，让我们拥有如此温暖激动的安娜堡雪霁初晴的下午。

2011年12月11日。八年了。
2922。
1247。

Tchaikovsky never lets me down. I have always been deeply touched by his heart, to me, a mother's heart, tender, tolerant, and strong. 

Tonight, I went to a concert by London Philharmonic Orchestra with Muma and Lucy. Aside from a modern piece, they played Mozart's Violin Concerto No.5 in A Major, K.219 and Tchaikovsky's Manfred Symphony, Op. 58. After the performance, we reached the agreement that the conductor must be a huge fan of Tchaikovsky, since based on tonight's selections, Mozart was totally like a child in the face of Tchaikovsky's accurate and transcending appreciation of destiny.

Manfred Symphony is generally based on Byron's drama Manfred, with Manfred as the central figure, a tragic one. As introduced in the program, Manfred, "[l]ives in an alpine castle and recklessly roams the peaks, shunning the company of men and communing with the spirit world, in an attempt to expiate his guilt over his illicit love for his sister Astarte." Therefore, I was not surprised at all by the extremely intense themes in the first movement, dark, struggling and painful. 

However, it is Tchaikovsky, the one who has composed String Quartet No.1 in D, Mvt 2 (Andante Cantabile), full of motherly caring and understanding, always welling me up with a touch at the very bottom of my heart, my favorite piece of music, ever. Rather than continuing with all the "downward plunges and painful ascents, " he introduced the appearance of the Alpine Fairy to Manfred with a lively and dazzling scherzo for the second movement.  Then he even further extended in the third movement to a stretching and surmounting depiction of a pastoral life, where individuals finally escape the tedious and obliged mundane errands, as well as various artificially constructed while overwhelmingly restricting secular rules, and are lost to the only eternal destination for all living creatures, the infinite earth, peacefully pavilioned by the sky.

Tchaikovsky, as one highly sensitive to virtue of life, definitely knows what is real and lasting beauty. He didn't stop here, though. He is a master, exactly in that he understands and appreciates life without avoidance of the truth and reality, may they be disturbing and ugly. He didn't stop at the third movement, the "Pastorale," "the simple, free, and peaceful life of the mountain folk." Rather, he revisited Manfred's pain for his earthly sin before his death with extremely wild ups and downs for the first half of the finale. However, just when everyone got so depressed and stricken by the sadness of destiny, Tchaikovsky ushers in the spirit of Astarte, who decides to forgive Manfred's “sins” before he dies. Here came the organ, the serene and sacred melody warming up my heart for every inch, with the reference to destiny, unavoidable, non-resistable, non-decipherable, and thus with ultimate forgiveness. This turn was sudden and tremendous, but at the same time just natural and marvelous, a stroke of genius. 

Nothing is more powerful than the inclusiveness, tolerance and understanding of a mother's love. Only does she know how life is random, natural while forcing, strong while fragile, heterogeneous while actually leaving little room for any choices. Tchaikovsky has a mother's heart, a good heart.
  

“是秋天啊，旅人想回家的日子。我下了零东，踏上我熟悉的红砖道。走几步，停一下，聆听自己的老皮鞋敲在红砖路上的声音。没错没错，我笑得收不住脸，风的日子，艳阳的日子，又是让人心惊的秋天了。”--《击壤歌》



是秋天啊，怎么又是秋天。一路走在风景里，是否往往会入绝境？被命运推赶着，还是我果然有选择的余地？到什么时候，我才能参透海浪的味道，知它咸者自咸，并非是因谁滴落的眼泪？到什么时候，我才能躲开脆弱的凶险改变？不必拍打沙滩，延伸至不尽的远方，记不得大地，也不必记得太阳，只想要宁静无澜，蓝丝绒一样的深沉，一劳永逸。

今天看YM的博客，提到在窦唯的歌里，她最爱的是《哦 乖》和一首曲《静安》。我仔细想了想，最爱的还是《上帝保佑》。
       
我是一个内心纠结很多的人，在窦唯的歌里找到最多的是一种超越常事的隐遁。我也爱《哦 乖》，但于我，和它的关系更是一种“同”情，是感激它唱出了很多俗世里的痛楚，感激它入世的发泄。可说到底，既然有发泄，就说明还搅在这里，还是累的。《静安》，以及类似的《黑色梦中》，我也都爱，可是听它们我总听出太多的优越感，它们所营造的是真主之手外的另一个世界，它们试图带人逃离，自成上帝。可是这种决绝造就的，不是庄子，就是疯子，不是吗？更不要说那么多卡在路上，比纠结还要纠结的人们了。

而《上帝保佑》所有的，是我一直试图达到的均衡状态。如此谦卑，如此恳切，孩子一样的，向主坦白自己的无助和挣扎。在最近的一些事情之后，我越来越发现自己的各种痛苦和不自然都来自于自己试图改变太多东西，过于自信，乃至于自负，却讽刺性地自卑，冰凉彻骨。我曾经惊叹于一位朋友的淡泊宁静，后来才明白正是因为他全心全意地相信主的存在与万能，承认自己的无力与局限。人有力量，可是又有多少潜伏的脉络命运携带着randomness让我们痛苦，说到底，我们不也没有办法揪着自己的头发把自己提离地面？

 

这几天安娜堡的秋天好像就来了，早晚都是寒意，开着窗子已经太凉，关上窗竟有风声。一年有六个月冬天的安娜堡，悠长夏日也是匆匆。
今天听了一支评弹《莺莺操琴》，小回文一串串的，满是夏日强说的闲愁。闲愁这个东西，我最近开始只当作艺术作品来欣赏，开始努力避免引火上身。我想的可能不对，但是最近的一些经历和想法告诉我，世上有太多的存在是self-selection的结果，因此想改变几乎是不可能的，闹来闹去的结果就是愁，还都是闲愁，百无一用。

[莺莺操琴]

/香莲碧水动风凉，水动风凉夏日长。

/长日夏，碧莲香，有那莺莺小姐唤红娘。

/红娘啊，闷坐兰房总嫌寂寞，何不消愁解闷进园坊。

/看那花街回廊绕曲折，纱扇轻举遮太阳。

/九曲桥上红栏杆，湖心亭旁侧绿纱窗。

/小姐是，身靠栏杆观水面，见池中戏水有两鸳鸯。

/红娘是，推开绿纱窗，香几摆中央，炉内焚了香，瑶琴脱了囊，莺莺坐下按宫商。

/先抚一支《湘妃怨》，后弹一曲《凤求凰》，《思归引》弹出倍凄凉。

/数支琴曲方已毕，只见红日历历下山冈。

/那小红娘，她历乱忙，瑶琴上了囊，炉内熄了香，香几摆侧旁，闭上绿纱窗，跟随小姐转闺房。

/这叫长日夏凉风动水，凉风动水碧莲香，果然夏景不寻常。